If you want to start a war, mess with someone’s guacamole.
You can upset friends and loved ones just by adding any of the following ingredients to their favorite guacamole recipe: diced tomatoes, cilantro, onion, garlic (or heaven forbid, onion powder or garlic powder) or lemon juice. But those are the least of the offenders …
We’ve identified eight of recent history’s worst blasphemes against guacamole, starting with the most recent and working our way back. If you decide to commit any of these sins in your own kitchen, you’re on your own.
1. That time Antoni Porowski from ‘Queer Eye’ added Greek yogurt to guacamole
Implying there’s anything imperfect about Porowski feels like harming a bunny, so this one is difficult to talk about. But on Episode 1 of the “Queer Eye” reboot, so-called food expert Porowski did such an injustice to guacamole that it launched a thousand theories about whether he’s ever actually stepped foot in a kitchen.
His mistake involved Greek yogurt.
“I’m gonna teach you how to make a guac from scratch,” Porowski said to his student. Fair enough: He used avocado, salt, lime juice and cilantro. “This is pretty much all that you need for a guacamole.”
Correct. He should have stopped there.
But he continued, “One thing I like to add my guac? I like things to be super creamy. I’m like, a dairy freak. So this is tangy Greek yogurt. It has so much less fat than sour cream, and it has a lot of flavor. I like to put a little spoon in there.”
But Porowski has scored a cookbook deal since then, so this fiasco didn’t set him too far back.
2. That time Hellmann’s told us to put mayo in guacamole
In 2016, someone at Hellmann’s lost their mind when the @HellmannsUK Twitter account tweeted, “Mayo in guac, it’s better. Trust us. #Grilltopia.”
3. That time The New York Times suggested adding green peas to guacamole, and President Barack Obama immediately shut it down
The following 2015 Twitter exchange explains everything you need to know.
4. That time Marks & Spencer presented the world with ‘Brusselmole’
The British retailer released a very special version of guacamole for its holiday menu in 2015, and it was made with … Brussels sprouts. It was perhaps its worst holiday gift to the world of all time.
5. That time Bon Appetit put celery in its guac
6, 7 and 8. Let us not forget the sins of many food bloggers who are to blame for a host of terrifying guacamole recipes
While not all bloggers’ guacamole crimes have gone viral, there are some that should. Quartz pointed out a few of the biggest offenders. We won’t share photos, for the sake of your well-being. Here are the worst:
We are done here.